With the news that Liverpool tried to swap £35million flop Andy Carroll for Carlos Tevez we at 1FITG Towers went on a search for the conversation transcript. Here is what we found – disclaimer the following may or may not have *actually* happened:
Liverpool: <Ring> <Ring><Ring><Ring> “Hi, is Gary Cook there?”
Man City: “Er..he doesn’t work here anymore…who’s calling?”
L: “Shit..this is going to be a lot harder than we thought”.
MC: “Sorry…what did you say?”
L: “Er, nothing, never mind. I’m calling from Liverpool football club, you know; You’ll Never Walk Alone, the Kop and all that stuff from the 70s when we were good. And we understand that you are trying to sell Carlos Tevez? We’re really interested as we’re a little short up there with our star forward being found guilty of being racist and all”.
MC: “Erm, okay. Yes, that’s right, we want at least £25million but as you’re another club who are in our division we will want considerably more”.
L: “Cause we’re competitors for the league, right?”
MC: “Ha…er, no.”
L: “So we’ve got £35million, and that is what we’d like to offer you.”
MC: “That certainly is something we would be happy to talk about, would it be split over the season or in one sum?”
L: “Oh, it would be one big, huge, wasteful lump sum”.
MC: “Good, we’d much prefer to have the sum paid upfront.”
L: “Yeah, exactly, you want the big lump upfront, right?”
L: “So when do you want to talk to Andy Carroll? I’m sure he’ll be easy to convince to join, there’s lots of strippers and bars in Manchester and it’s easier for him to get back to Newcastle”.
MC: “Sorry? Why the hell would we want to talk to Carroll, you’ll want to talk to Carlos no?”
L: “Yeah, we’ll need to talk to Carlos, but we’re offering £35million Andy Carroll for him?”
L:“Hello? Is anyone there?”
<Line goes dead>
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